darkest days

2006-05-25T19:32:00.000+08:00

guess wat?
today is pay day n m not on shopping spree.
m so sick of my mundane life. aimless days.
i oni went to change my norm posb card to Go! card.
hee. well its de posb debit card. so cool. i like de design.
den went to eat wit my cuzzies. afta tt, i went to yaty's house.
tot of redeemin some points online but its down de drain.
m so comp iliterate. dammit.

den this stoop kid gave me an idea to change my blog skin.
n yesh. here i am. wit a new skin but its totally incomplete.
i reli need help. first victim, gotta be my bitch. see how if she's willing to.

this hols have been but a nerve-wreckin days. i hate it. n needless to say..
m so nt in de mood to embark myself in de journey of a damn staff nurse!
if a nurse is depressed, how can she even help her patients? God knows la.

oh yah. i tot of this while watching tv, can anyone actually be totally honest towards someone? as in, can we actually see thru our fren? do ppl reli mean wat dey say? wat dey declare? wat dey promise? haiz..

i met a fren. we made friendship. de friendship was beautiful. honeyed words. small sacrifices for a liked fren. i tot my fren was de fren. i tot i act adi see thru my fren. i tot my fren reli bein totally honest to me about everythin tt my fren feel. but.. somewhere along de way, some things jus went wrong. i realised honesty was bull. my fren diminished my ray of hope. i hate my fren. i still miss my fren. tts my shitty fren.

in conclusion, no one can act be so transparent. deep down, we know wat we say is not act wat we feel. so? can i say tt humans are one big hella hypocrite? YESH. we are.

aimless rantings. aimless mind. aimless life. m jus roamin aimlessly in this earth.

2006-02-24T09:15:00.000+08:00

wahlau. nanie2. it seems like you wanna imply tat m such a bad fren. it seems as if i asked you to swallow yer little pride. feel bad somehow seh. but.. nevertheless tats how i interprete you ever since i know you. you r not a gurl who doesnt has any pride.. its jus tat frens meant a lotsa more than yer pride. its a good thing you noe. its rare to have a fren who matters de frenship den her pride. yer amazing beb. seriously.

alright reach skul early. 9am. can you believe it?me?heh. thanks to my presentation today i got to skul wee early. act m late half an hour for discussion but i guess my group members are immuned adi. heh heh.

yest gotta meet wit eli, my bestie gurl. damn it felt so good cos been missin her sia. i dunno it seemed like she s troubled but she claimed its negative. haiya i guess its de 'outta-love-syndrome'. we re both in this plight. muahaha. aniwaez its not something to be pitied but its jus tat.. we re in love wit de WRONG person. somehow its not bein reciprocated. heh heh. or shall i say.. guys r one confused bunch? definitely.

guess.. i ll nature takes its course. cos love is patient. muahaha. come on mary. be realistic. everytime i think about him, it makes my heart crush. he seems to be inflicting never ending pain. sometimes you hate, other times you adore. i feel so outta pride for bein such a love-fool. hah hah. a heart attack makes you die in an instant but a broken heart kills you in a slow never ending pain. dammit.

m not bein emo today. all m feeling is numb. dunno why. hee hee. gotta run to print our presentation. eli, mish n love ya oways. nanie, stay de same n i ll love ya de same. dee, be a darlin to me n i ll love ya still. yaty, stay a kid n i ll love ya. pia, be an irritatin bugger n i ll love ya de most. *hugs n kisses* to all of ya sweeties!

2006-02-14T15:06:00.000+08:00

when yer life is on de verge of tumblin down, de truth finally surfaced. yer left alone to handle in de realm of reality. my failure has made my family lose their faith in me. they seem to refuse to uncover de potential in me like they used to. my bro has taken his chance to seek comfort from my setback. cos he s immuned to failure but not to sweet revenge. maybe all this while, he s been wantin to have someone to be in his plight. he wants his sister to feel what s failure exactly like. how harsh, how vexin or emotionally drained a failure can make you.
dammit! i guess beneath it all.. failure s a wake up call fer humans. failure signals you to come clean wit yer weakness or even yer complacency. i broke down yesterday in front of my dad. thanks to my bro who spilled my beans. i dunno why i gave way to my emotion oso. maybe cos i been bottlin all inside of me. i was shocked myself. typical daddy, he kept puttin blame on peers influence. he said bout how i used to go out w/o fail n neglectin my studies. he oso said i forgot where i stand. i was pretty much standing on de facade of life. n de lecture went on..
damn! his stand proved a whole lotsa truth. i know, i know. de thing s.. i dun need someone to point out my mistakes! i know it all along its all MY fault. all i need is someone to be there in motivatin me. to tell me to rise from dis challenge.. to give me de strength to still believe in my utter self. maybe his intention were seen but i guess it was vaguely expressed. tats de prob wit parents. dey oways have good intentions but dey portart it in a negative manner.
my dad wanted to squeeze some essence of encouragement but it ended up otherwise.
wow. a plain futility s turnin into a big mess. m tired sia. swallowin truth is fatal den poison i guess. everythin s beyond words n explanation. like i said, yer alone in reality. m gonna keep a distant at times.. to whom it may concern, call me a weaklin m cool. cos at de end of de day, maria's de one who s suppose to lift my burden. i guess no one can do aythin to lighten my woes den why shud i get myself involve wit anyone. friendship?hah. 'cousinship'?hah. i guess my parents matter more now. i see de light. shit. i hate it when wat my dad says lies an amount of accuracy which i find it hard to handle. damn!

2006-02-13T12:01:00.000+08:00

M shattered. My only glimpse of hope is blown out. De only thing tat m holding on is at de crossroad. Now, it feels as tho I have not a single dirt. Is it my only fault or is it just my ill fate?

Yesterday was my last day for attachment. I failed my geriatrics posting. Words can’t describe how I feel. I feel like m so useless. Its as if my world has come tumbling down. Am I supposed to start from scratch? I thought I at least have my studies to be proud of. But now, it changed. Being successful in nursing s jus plain façade. I wonder if m able to pick up de pieces n move on. My determination has diminished. This setback makes me angry with myself. Am I really at de losing end? Why did I fail? Did it become futile because m plain incompetent? Or have I been too complacent?

Were the staffs jus finding faults with me? Biasness overwhelmed them? Or in their eyes, I jus cant perform as a 3rd year student? De bitch, de utter salt tat rubbed my wound. De-moralizing me. Hurlin negativity at me. Its as if m an extremely weak student. Wow. Its amazing how a person can have de power to bring you down. How can she be qualified to be a lecturer when all she does is de-motivate students.? Seriously, it’s hard for me to find de ultimate strength. De strength to recover. M deep down in de pitfall now. All my self-belief have vanished. I cant find reasons to accentuate de positive.

Maybe, m not dis strong-willed girl afterall. I thought I was cos I wud not be living till now. Everything is a whirlwind now. M spinnin like a top. When it finally ceases, will it be my ultimate success? Haiz..

I misplaced de vibe in life. All I wanna do now is to sleep my life thru. Call me pathetic. Cos m one now.

2006-02-02T21:40:00.000+08:00

shit. m getting disgusted wit the evil nights. my heart throbbin in pain. my mind in agony. my eyes cant shut. my body s shagged but not my soul. i ll wake up every morn emotionally drained.

my soul lingers aimlessly. m lost again. everything is coming back on me. my parents, dammit. wher s de love, daddy? i see myself in mummy nowadays. argh! mummy s getting uno nowadays. i cant bear to see tat. tats why i oways seek outside entertainment. when m home wit mummy, my mood plunged drastically. despite feeling guilty i still have to get out. dis eyes hurt loads. i feel like weepin when i see mummys face. damn.

to rub it in, my clinical skills are definitely not up to standard. prcp s like fingers away n i see my skills rotting now. i dunno how m gonna fare. will i eventually graduate? argh. m so disorganized. i think i got my idea of every skills.. its jus tat m not good wit plannin! m oways not good wit plannin. i like spontaneity. wat comes in, comes out. damn. seriously m losing grip. my future s at stake. argh. no one is here to lend a shoulder. its bad enuff you had a bad day at work. i need a companion whom i can pour my sorrows after my work. he s gone la. he s forgotten me. i dun smile from de heart anymore. its all fake. plastic. i need an angel, a saviour. a hero.

wow. i feel like i live in an island. de oni one there. all de people around me r jus plain apparition. i cant seem to connect anymore. am i in depression? God, dun let me turn insane. its all accumulatin inside me. haiz..

if m granted wit 3 wishes.. tat will be:
1) i want daddy n mummy to reunite as one
2) i want an eternal lover (whom i ll not get bored @ all)
3) i want to graduate as a successful registered nurse

i dun ask fer much actually. i jus wan dis heart to be easily contented. guess if you are easily satisfied, tat ll make yer life so much easier. i ve seen it in a lot of people around me.

haiz.. i need some support system. God, bless me.

2005-09-23T16:59:00.000+08:00

its been god noes how long since i updated dis. today i jus feel like filling up an entry. been having tonnes of emotions that crawls within me and never get de chance to escape.

anger:
m experiencing self-anger nowadays. i damn hate myself. been bugged wit probs but i farking sit around do nothing. i willingly accept every single bit of fate. i aint doing anythin. zero. no effort at all. yuni advised me to confront mai parents yet m still not doing it. m like supposed to lose those lipids yet m still gorging. m like suppose to start coping in mai studies but i tink m not doin well either. m laggin in every single way. name it. everything. i got nothing. err.. maybe frenship la. life s been a same old routine. grrr.. so many more.. its just too pathetic to verbalise.

loved:
currently mai 2 cuzzies r gettin great. 3 of us gettin closer. we even got a diary to share all our woes. i feel so loved by them. they r de ones who usually keep me company when m lonely. its kinda depressin uh at times when both of dem talk bout their bfs. except me. de only one without a bf. but dey understand me. dey noe when to talk n stop. piah wit her sarcasm n jokes. yaty wit her treat everytime we meet up. i love dem so much. muackz*

gotta mention mai bitch too. urm how irritatin to de core she is.. she s still sweet to me. i love her. de frenship is too long tat i tink its a pity to let go. she might not be der when m at mai darkest moment but i noe she care. love her.

have to mention nurul's name. cos she could actually sense i was having prob dis particular day. she s sensitive towards me. i din noe she actually could detect tt. even tho i pretended normal, she could see de real me within. i was totally feeling shit tt particular week. i could feel her care fer me. hehe i love her.

yuni. she s de only who advised me de right thing. i tink she could feel de actual emotion in mai plight. she s great too. i love her.

err.. tink m gettin along well wit dianah now. we r kinda like back to normal. maybe she s like me in CERTAIN ways, tats y its kinda a pity too to let go. cos deep down i noe she cares fer me. she still is gettin on mai nerves wit her habits tt i dislike aniwaez. but i tink i ll treasure her.

sad:
de only bro i have. de only sibling i can love. we used to be close. however, nowadays hes been scolding me a lot. der s jus so many things bout me tt he disliked. he s cold at times. he s great de other min. at some occasion, i asked him as to whether he love me. sadly he replied wit a no. i dunno if its jus his ego or he really mean it. we been persistently squabbling n all. he ll get all so worked up wit me over a small thing. saying things like m not a good role model to him n all. haiz..

i dunno y but it seem like m distant fr her already. it started long ago n i reli sense it now. its not like we used to reli share a lot but we did spend time. de frenship gettin distant n all. she doesnt seem interested to have frenship anymore. maybe m sadden or not reli but its jus tat i feel its a shame when de frenship turn out dis way. it feels diff now.

lonely:
whenever m uno, m lost. i jus dunno wat to do. mai tots run wild n all. i ll cry when i tink i have dis burden on me. m supposed to carry de burden alone. every day is a bad day when yer lonely.

argh! m buzzing off. loads to say. i dun even noe how to put it all. as usual, dey ll jus get bottled up in me n eventually i ll go berserk. end.

2005-09-03T17:14:00.000+08:00

you telling me de shits
i have to give my ears
why am i de picked victim?
pls do good, just shut it

you chose your path
you made a mistake
you venting it on me
what do you take me for?

she's pathetic, he's a jerk
will i be one of them? no!
i pity her, i hate him
why did they even unite

2005-08-19T11:33:00.000+08:00

read elly's blog. de confessions made by her daddy. something came to mind. somehow i could relate tat to mai daddy too. i mean... maybe tats exactly wat mai daddy been feeling. de fears tat every daddy has when their children has grown up. "will dey leave me all alone?"

well at least, elly's daddy has her mam to share his remaining journey with. how bout mai daddy? will he rekindle de relationship wit mam when he s lonely n pathetic? i pity daddy. his massive ego gonna torture him when he finally realised it. i tink it ll be too late fer turning back. will he has de same fate as mai grandad? it seems like de vicious cycle never end in dis family. i see de same quality in mai bro. stupid huge ego. i see it in maiself too. i ponder how ll our future be like? damn big self-pride. one thing i dun wanna see... de day when me n mai bro gettin married saying goodbye to our parents. m convinced dey can neva be left together. God, wat do u propose i shud do?

aniwaez had an argument wit ting. she asked me to do de 'wallpaper' fer de campaign. been buggin me n so i did mai work. gave it to her yesterday. de shit came dis morning. i saw her @ de comp wit a brand new wallpaper. mai hardwork was totally not evident. changed everythin cept tat pathetic cigarette clip art! i confronted her. she mentioned her excuses bout de class wanted to put de stupid leg logo. i hurled de word 'busted' n scrammed. was damn farkin mad. bitch. ask me to get things done n ended up disposing all mai hardwork! came back after coolin down. haha n yesh dis time... she used de original copy[mai work] wit some edittin. still gave her de shit look when she asked me to view again. ting den hugged me n i relented. guess we r okay now. =)

2005-08-16T10:07:00.000+08:00

yer makin me vexed. r u tryin to make a repetition? i tot i see de future. but was i been fooled? where do i put dis massive ego in me? i see n feel somethin fer u. but i need u to initiate. r u insecure or plain not interested? u have no idea how i wanna hear yer phonations every nite. to smile fer u. n all de things u wud wan from me. God, is it gonna happen again? nooo.. i dun need tat shit again.

reached skul late. dammit. mrt farkin slow-coach. literally crawling man. tot wanna go 2nd lect but ended up goin to younger cuz crib. haha of course i targetted her comp. informed dee.. n turned out she s kinda mad. err.. she s feelin down. somethin bout mam cryin n stuff. no full story yet till later wen i get back to skul.
i have to let dis out. i hate bein in dis idiotic 'smokin free' project! firstly i have no intention of quittin n i hate to be de farkin leader. dammit sandy s not doin anythin. ting kept on pressin me.. pressurizin.. n all de shit. argh!

2005-08-11T22:01:00.000+08:00

wee~ i cant believe tat i actually got raven back! i lurve mai kitty. lurve him loads.
get to mars @ 8 plus. wait fer cuz fer farkin half hour but still not der. hence i buzz off. hee.. but halfway, i turned n yesh der she was panting n runnin. tryin to catch me. hee.
i was still sadden den over mai cat loss. so.. we decided to search fer raven. went to block 333, climb every level. err.. its a 4-storey block aniwaez. heh. ask peepz on every level. almost gave up but.. @ level 4, asked dis kid n he said he saw mai cat! yesh it was in a damn box. grabbed raven out n dashed. jus in case de new owner saw it. HAPPINESS~

2005-08-10T22:30:00.000+08:00

sense of loss, speechless. it felt like a part of me is taken away. will it come back? its not possible. not any ordinary life, he s mai raven pussy. m bitter, mai charmed raven he s missin. i still wanna embrace it, feed it. m longin fer de helpless echos, de extraordinary presence. de innocence in de eyes filled with utter helplessness. yet notorious, i love it more. endless minor abuse, he still yearn fer me at de hallway. but today, it vanished. perishin mai ultimate hope. jus whose de idiot who steal. de snatcher wit no mercy. pliz.. i dun need another loss. god i beg u return me mai precious raven.

2005-07-31T21:56:00.000+08:00

another angel, another clone. send to me again,maybe, but in diff situation.
an unexpected meetin tat leads to frenship. is tat wat i name fate?
doubts gushin in now. m reminiscin de past once more. m scared repetition of it to happen. i dun wan to play dat role again. however, m thinkin of the angel. i noe i have to work on dis if i wan dis star. m torn.. fear haltin mai road. i hate maiself.
"dear maria, wen will u overcome dis persistent foe called fear?"

2005-07-29T23:54:00.000+08:00

but the world is black. n hearts are cold. n there s no hope, tats what we re told. n we cant go back. it wun be de same. forever changed. bout de things we said.

2005-07-28T11:52:00.000+08:00

dark eyes, cold heart. hatred deepens every sec. she s forgotten how to feel. she cant care again. deficit of emotions, she aint shinin. repetitions of trippin moments, her heart is scarred. can someone help mai fren, de raven star?

2005-07-19T11:45:00.000+08:00

lights flashin from city of angel. perfection n flawless workin hand in hand. a fantasy tat can never be grasped in dis realm of de eart. m weakened by beams. raven moonlite s mai best fren. beauty s an illusion, i hate dem. fer mai life is nothin but ugly.

2005-07-18T23:41:00.000+08:00

two girls. two diff lives. caught in circumstances where dey cant thrive. one is impulsive, de other is fickle. endless mistakes, on going tears. both suffer bitterness. fair share of it. de road is bleak, wit no guardian angels. twins led astray. oh love! engulf our hearts. or are we destined to wait n bleed till tomorrow?

2005-07-18T17:09:00.000+08:00

like a bird, m free. soar above w/o restrictions. however wit magic wiongs, i realised somethin. freedom has drained mai zest fer life.
now i yearn fer string around mai neck. oh! how i hate liberty wings. pls master, own me. lock me up in a cage. i ll promise i ll be faithful till eternity.

2005-07-17T23:55:00.000+08:00

pain! m numb. hope is runnin away. yes, m losing it in Him. m being picked as de victim. y is mai foes left untouch? rotten goods, maybe.

ahh! i see de light now. he s strengthenin mai faith in him. barrel of turmoils ll lead to intense faith of His existence. wit de known existence, i ll thrive in any unimaginable conditions.

2005-07-16T17:09:00.000+08:00

unfulfilled wish. harsh words. wonderful plan tat goes haywired. stubborness s de wall. now pain is ever flowing. transmission via bullet train. we ll wait n bleed. future is bleak. history flashin back. i give up on present. i just contracted fear. no medication. its de end.

2005-07-13T22:05:00.000+08:00

wed still din recover fr flu. i ve oways had gud immune system but once de flu hit me, mai body ll sure give way. headache, feverish, runny nose, sore throat.. everythin. m SICK. literally sick. however, still manage to head town after skul. heh. met up wit lina n sis. we ate @ far east. had a short bitchin. but dis time, lil lina kinda supress herself. so yeah.. short bitchin moment. den went to look fer her bag. she wanted to get de airwalk bag but din eventually. window shop fer a while, n den took pic @ heeren. haha lina's treat. de pics turned out pretty fine. gotta mention, her sis looks gud. oh well, ayu oways look gud. i envy her eyeliner! its dark n doesnt smudge! hell yeah m gonna get de m.a.c eyeliner on payday. heh..

2005-07-11T22:00:00.000+08:00

oh yesh, i gotta highlight bout monday. fer 2 consecutive mons, it has been emo. its practically like mon blues! we cried again. but now, bitch kinda more emo. i realised somethin den. m such a bad fren. cos y? i oni watched her cry. i oni gave her de listenin ear. i din give her any good advice. felt bad, seriously. i claimed tat she s not been der fer me but it dawned upon me den tat i did de same to her. fark me! sorry elly.. if i wasnt a gud fren tat day. on de other hand, m shocked u act told yer mam bout mai prob. now i feel like i cant face yer mam. m sure she ll look @ me differently. she ll pity mai mam or in fact look down on her. argh.. too bad it happened already.

2005-07-10T23:29:00.000+08:00

wee~ sunday was pretty gud. cos y? well i din spend mai whole day @ home. went jb to get ciggies. izad accompanied me. n yesh i got to bring in 2 packs instead of 1. how great! haha.
but too bad.. mai body cud not accept de samp pack. wasted pack but its alright cos mai bitch finished most of it. its not a total waste. went window shoppin fer awhile den sat @ a place to chill.snapped pics but din turned out alright. yeah wasted effort der. hee..
n yeah after dat gotta meet up wit mai bitch. believe it or not bitch, i walked @ de causeway jus to meet up wit u. hee how sweet rite =) however so much fer de effort to reach on time, de bitch was late. but she shocked me den. dis time she came wit a car. haha sound gud rite? guess wat? de driver was mr jongos!! wahaha.. chilled @ adm mac fer bout an hour. was kinda conscious den cos mr jongos was real JONGOS. he cant even close his mouth! imagine dat. real turn off. imagine de crowd talkin like "wat de heck is goin on wit dis 2 gurls mind?" nevertheless, we did make use of his car to send us home. wahaha ;p ok i kinda feel bad. stop criticisin.

2005-07-08T11:28:00.000+08:00

@ dis moment m waiting fer mai last lesson in like 20 mins or so. noe one thing bout tertiary skul. dey give us too many hours of break! dey can act jus squeeze 2 lessons n make us go earlier rite? one word fer dis.. idiot.

haha yesterday was great after skul. hanged out wit mai bitch n beloved cuzzie =). urm guess i got to say lotsa 'thank u' to mai bitch fer act waited till i finished class. how sweet of her to act missed her lect n went into mine instead. wee~ mwah bitch! n yeah.. met up wit cuzzie. now she finally get her compact after 2 mths w/o powder. got a blusher plus watch too. thanks to her boi. lucky fat bitch. not workin but still get to enjoy life. bluek~

7/7/05. sex was de oni topic fer de day! i had enuf facts bout sex @ skul. n yesh i still heard it after skul. n of cos.. bein a virgin, m tempted. tempted to? hee>> dun wanna tink bout sex fer today. had enuf. m afraid m gonna need help wen m alone later. haha ;P

hmm.. i tink today i started mai mornin wit a smile pretty early. cos i took de train wit mai younger cuzzie. jokes plus sarcasm plus tickles made mai day jus now. 1st lesson was clinical. nice lesson to begin wit cos mr lian was fun. he s a joker. noe wat?

i wonder behind dos jokes n laughter lie a hidden sadness. maybe he s like me too uh. puttin up a facade. jovial wen wit peers but act.. de otherwise wen alone. seriously bitch, i still have not recover fr mon's breakdown. i might have a relapse soon. so i need yer help. jus pls fill mai days wit yer stupidity. pls i need a dose of it everyday.. i luv u bitch.

n yeah.. lesson startin soon. den can go home. tink i need some sleep. n MAYBE, i need some anti-depressant too~ "mama n baba.. all dey give is misery"

2005-07-06T17:19:00.000+08:00

3 days of skulin. urm feelin pretty ok. quite confident i can pull thru dis. m not late fer any of mai lessons yet.. tats an achievement! lets see how i ll progress wit weeks to come =)

alrite m @ ally's house. finished skul early. took de same train wit mai bitch n even dropped at same station wit her. n hell yeah now m @ her house!

ok now.. i hav nuts idea y mai bitch is overwhelm wit emotions @ dis moment! all freakin emo songs blasting.. she's makin me feelin down! haiz.. m numb wit bein emo. i still have to lift dis burden. yeah.. sounds cliche but "life is unfair"//

i remembered on mon.. breaking down in front of ally. when i got home, i was filled wit real guilt. i feel so bad towards mai mam after wat has been said. she was de one who opened de door fer me tat nite. @ dat moment wen our eyes met, dis guilt pricked me. n yeah.. ouchh!! "m sorry mama."

n yeah.. yesterday i started it again. came back fr skul, saw her watching tv. baba was not home yet den. she s all alone. AGAIN.. i began to squeeze de feeling of pity fer her in me. shit! i act pityin mai own mam?? is it wrong?? i dunno. cos i tink she s.. arghh! i dun wanna be like her. will God be angry @ me fer being dis way?

also, mai parents almost fight in de middle of farkin midnight! i grumbled n lucky mai dad jus ended it straight. arghh!! m STRESSED. family prob buggin me. personal prob too. i dun feel gud bout maiself. hate mai life. keep on laughin to distract maiself. m not motivated to reli get home. cos i see loneliness, dislike, barriers.. thick walls. hell yeah lotsa it.

at times, i reli feel time is runnin out. its scary at de same time i wanna get away. i dun tink i can be strong as i used to be. its accumulatin n it may end up burstin. gettin diff to sleep @ night. toss n turn still can dream away. n ended up gettin sleepy fer skul.

m sick. i need a consultant. haha// tats it m numb once more =)

2005-07-04T17:16:00.000+08:00

skul started already. m not reli looking forward fer dis but it din turned out bad. ferst day is filled with motivations.. inspirations.. lotsa humor too. n hell yeah m freakin out bein a year 3! i dunno why but i just cant see maiself as a qualified nurse. its so unlike me to be a nurse. most of mai personalities clash with tat of how a nurse shud be. mAybe de oni reason is.. i can empathise? m willing to hear? haha.. maybe i shud reli consider mai dream of bein a psychologist or psychiatric. m intrigued by how ppl behave.. y some can cope wit stress.. some cant.. how an individual act perceive wat they see.. it interests me..

urm on de other hand, maybe tats y m easily disturbed by things. cos i freakin think a lot.. m too sensitive maybe.. or.. i dunno..

lately i been thinkin of shortage of time. i mean lets say.. at de adolescents age, all of us have dreams n goals tat we wanna achieve. all of us work very hard 24/7 to search for happiness in any form.. to obsessed in de hard work n jus imagine dis.. one night while sleepin u got a dream sayin u have one month left to live?? wat happens next?? all de goals u want to achieve cant be fulfilled eventually.. will we die in regrets? will i die in regrets??

i find tat life is short-lived. 3 years have almost passed, m outta secondary edu. now m almost completing mai tertiary edu. n yesh.. during sec skul days i have not achieved things tat i wanted. its basically empty except tat m blessed with great frens maybe. even now.. things are pretty much de same. i still haven manage to realise mai hidden dream. am i at fault for not tryin hard to complete mai life? is it reli true nothing is impossible?

n yeah finally i pondered last few weeks.. wat if i have to die? did i reli miss out on all de good things in life? i wud agree tat i missed out lotsa. n one person i ll blame will be mai beloved PARENTS.

2005-06-14T10:38:00.000+08:00

alright ma bitch fren.. finally i got to update mai blog. its sucky but mai net connection is down! it gonna take hell long of time to eventually get it fixed!darn..idiots. urm elly dearie i oreadi got mai broadband aite?

k went thru a quarter of mai hols nnnnnnnnnn de quarts suck big time!BLUEK:p i ve been bored to tears man. hell yeah~ wat i did was mostly stay at home.. gorge maiself.. n ooh ya i gained weight! m turnin into a boar.. err..as usual had ma daily lifeline.. been takin more n more of it.. lost loads of money from der too. thanks to de damn ting~ i swear m gonna quit it fer life.. but not any sooner.. ishk~

urm.. been sufferin from insomia de whole week. i cant get maiself to sleep at nite. de eyes r heavy but.. i cant sleep! i dunno.. lotsa tings been buggin mai mind. bein such a farkin emo bitch at wee hours of de mornin~farkin creep, stop yer emo shit bitch~

n yah.. to solve dis sleepless syndrome, i decided to live life of an owl~ i stay up late n ended up bein awake late. yup i did spend 3 whole nite outside wit ma beloved cuzzie. talking craps.. playing cards.. till morn den get home n SLEEP~ cos wen de sunshine is out.. mai mind is free. free fr de harsh whirlwinds of mai insecurities. m so insecure.. helpless.. nil words cud explain dis burden in me..

i tried to get help fr de Almighty.. m still workin on it.. m tryin real hard to see de beauty outta dis turmoil~ of cos m constantly suffering relapse fr ma journey to holy road.. m not gonna give up~cos i believe in Allah.. oni de Almighty can help me get thru dis..

now its tues.. reached mai young cuzzie home at 8 just now. i spent de whole nite wit ma beloved cuzzie plus de boi plus another cuzzie of mine. we were at yishun from 3pm yest to 7am today~ hah m shagged but i cant sleep.. dunno wat de hell s wrong wit me..

went thru someting jus now~found out another truth.. hell m hurt once more~ truth hurts.. shitty but i have to surface de reality~gotta get it rite thru ma head n jolly well understand it bitch~ its alright m very cool now.. doesnt bother me animore~

hehe.. i hope.. tho i tink its not.. err forget it.. wen m more sure.. i ll declare it to de whole wide world ;p

".. i missed u.. missed u so bad.. cos i remember it clearly.. de dayyy.. uuu slipped awayy.. was de dayy.. i find it wun be de sammee.." Avril roxs roxs roxs~big time~ she CAN play guitar.. she S talented.. its ALRIGHT if she s bein called a punk poser.. cos she DIN say she was a punk rocker at de ferst place~ de small portion of de lyrics was meant fer ma 'bak' not anyone else..~

bloggie.. i wish i cud fix ma net soon.. i wanna tell u more.. lotsa ma stories wit ya.. till i got a real happy endin.. urm dat will be wen m 22.. i hope.. =)

2005-05-01T05:04:00.000+08:00

ma life is fallin apart fer real.
m worried sick bout de meetin wit de sister at sgh. ma attendance has taken on to de worst side n m doomed. i ll pray hard dey not gonna terminate ma bond.n yeah ma grades. i tink dey r not in good shape either. i might end up failin n it all come back to one thing..termination of bond!if m ever gonna get deprived of dat cash i wonder how i ll pull thru.dun tink ma dad s rich enuf to support me..pathetic huh?yup i noe.
ma bro still not back. he s been out since 11 am yesterday.m worried bout him.i missed him.hardly got to have quality talk wit him lately. its funny when he always step on ma nerves but neva fail to make me love him more. his jokes, stupid riddles, idiotic laughter, sense of immaturity. he s not reli der now durin ma darkest hour.he used to be der.to advise n comfort.God, pls tell me we wun be distant..i need him.yup i do.
dis feelin of loneliness overwhelms me. i feel abundant. i need attention here. be it fr ma family or ppl used to be close to me.cuzzy..m missin u. u changed!u left ma world now.every night is but a solitary period.sleepness nights..frequent wake ups..hellish!no one to sleep wit me anymore.no one calls me at night anymore.

n yeah..still haven reli study bio.cns is one brain wrecking topic! revised fer 2 hours n tats it!end up entertainin ma aunty n lil cuzzy. gonna have to reli crack ma brain today to revise more..!watched Amanda also..how i envy her. despite all de mishaps, she got someone by her side.tats y she s still able to persist n still livin.beginnin to like Agnes Monica..she s superb.her style..acting..singing..a talent!
i wish..durin dis dark moments of ma life, i ll be blessed to have someone right beside me..God-willin

~SHE fALLs apART~

2005-01-23T17:39:00.000+08:00

"you were all de tings i tot i knew..."...haha tats avril~yeah she rox~i just lurve her lyrics to her every songs~i dunno wat to say but i feel shit dis few days~it seems like ma life is fallin apart~everythin name it fr A to Z its all fallin into pieces!~AVRILL!help me out can???~ hah m losin ma mind~wish tat ma life wud be beta~ma dad~ma mom~ma bro~ma frens~wats happenin to ma life??~i wanna lose ma mind~ wish i got amnesia n i got to start afresh~all de bad memories jsut fade away~

"HHHoooooooooooolllllllllllddddddddddddddddd ooooooooooooooNNNNNNNNNNNN iiff uuu feeellll likee lllettiiinnn go..."shut up la joel maden aite.haha hold on u may but eventually u will break down kiez?m bein strong here...i dun wanna get home...i wanna go n cry...but dunno wher...is der anywher i can go?i wanna cry out dis heart...i hate ma family now...!i hate ma frens..!

i guess i ll just finish de whole pack of ma ciggies...pay s comin on tues n i can den buy a new pack of ciggies...haha~

2005-01-13T13:07:00.000+08:00

been few days i ve been tinkin wats happenin to ma life...somehow i tink alot bout frenship...i was jus wonderin do bestfren exists??can two frens becum bestfrens 4eva??wat does bein bestfren actually meant huh...wat r de obligations present...wat r de rules installed...its funny u see...

de trouble is...m not de sort who wud tell ma frens bout ma prob...i do but not those tat reli burdened me... cause i noe none can help out wit ma probs...sometimes only u can solve de probs yerself...seriously just giv it a tot...only u yerself hav de answers to yer life...only u can change yer own life...others can only support u...so wats de point of tellin yer frens bout yer probs rite??if dey unable to lend a helpin hand...just a waste of time aite??

i dunno eh...but dearest ally...sometimes i jus tink...wats our frenship like...do we reli understand ecah other?do i oways guess correctly how u exactly feel at diff moments?do u guess correctly wats ma point of view?at certain times i tink i gave in a lot to u...at times u give me de impression tat u cant be bothered wit ma life happenings...i dun feel de 'u bothered bout me' feelin...so sometimes i jus tot to maself...heck better dun tell her cos i dun tink she wud even wanna noe...lets shoot it out...u make me feel like TAT!

m not sure if u had oways been der fer me wen m at ma lowest point...no one did so far...maybe yeah but aint u...hav i oways been der fer u??i dunno but i tink i ve been der fer u...well i guess i better dun tok bout dis...ally,jus wanna say wateva it is u r oways part of me...be it fer gud or bad...lurve ya gurl...

ouh yeah...nowadays i jus wanna be distant from all ma peepz...i dunno...i feel like i dun wanna get close to any of ma gurlfrens...it feels gud somehow to be alone...all i noe now i prefer spendin time wit ma bro...he filled ma life more...spendin time wit dad n mom make me feel gud too...cause maybe...every individual has their own life to fulfil...fulfilin yer frens life is not part of an individual responsibility...i mean u can choose to...its like an volunterin work...but fulfillin yer family's life is an individual responsibility...i dunno but i jus feel tat way now...

life is unpredictable...wen it starts to sux...it will sux fer long...wen de light has shone...dats wen u will start seein colours in yer life...but it will oways be cycle...ups n downs...maybe tats y life-cycle exists~

haha...